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Thread: Through the Keyhole.

  1. #1
    Past. Present. Future Uben. Pwnd's Avatar
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    Through the Keyhole.

    This was for a battle but the opponent never showed.
    Would like comments.


    The wind picks up as the rain dances along the ground,
    A long walk home after a stressful night of work.
    Crossing the street it's homeward bound,
    While the thunder crashes, I just let out a smirk.
    It's a dark night as the lightning sets the scene,
    Work for a living, rest my body just to do it again.
    Reaching for the life of the american dream,
    No matter the cost, it's worth every penny I spend.
    Stopping under the bus stop to grab a smoke from my pocket
    Take a seat on the bench and inhale my very death.
    Sitting forward noticing a gold heartshaped locket,
    This female so beautiful making my heart beat within my chest.
    With a smile so radiant it brightens this stormy sky,
    And eyes so blue reminding of the sky so calm.
    I find myself staring at this woman and asking why,
    Why does she make me feel weak, as the sweat trickles in my palm.
    I look to the side and notice her name carved in,
    Continue my walk but her image is all I can see.
    My chest in pain but it's my lust for her that's starving,
    For I found my angel and she'll belong to me.
    A scuffle of my feet and I notice light upon the street
    And upon closer inspection it's a woman closing her curtains.
    With a quick glimpse the image comes back to me,
    I feel my life slipping away with step I'm earning.
    Her shadow amongst the wall she's the angel in perfect form,
    Thoughts begin to travel as I creep close to the window.
    As the rain begins to die I feel like my hearts been torn,
    Feeling as if I'm in the ocean of love but mearly a minow.
    My nerves shaking as I head towards the back of her house,
    The lights slowly turn off as if on cue for her arrival.
    Peaking through the keyhole as she makes her way towards the couch,
    By now my thoughts are raging but my thoughts are final.
    She takes off her gown and I see her elegent curves,
    My control growing weaker as she caresses her body.
    I try to talk myself out but my mouth can't make up the words,
    As if I was going to turn up this oppertunity, not hardly.
    She turns the lights down low but the light reflects,
    Her beauty still shining as her legs open slightly.
    And she begins to move her hand closer to her moist flesh,
    My eyes open wider as she bites her bottom lip tightly.
    Her moans low but just loud enough to hear,
    As she arches her back she's pure extacy in sight.
    My mind is racing as she stands up in vision so clear,
    She looks towards my location and all I heard was G'nite.

    -Lights out-
    Last edited by Uben. Pwnd; December 15th, 2008 at 12:13 PM Reason: Spelling error.

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  2. #2
    Past. Present. Future Uben. Pwnd's Avatar
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    Last edited by Uben. Pwnd; December 16th, 2008 at 02:15 AM Reason: More links.

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  3. #3
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    Re: Through the Keyhole.

    This was a nice piece Uben,
    Started of really well by unfolding the scene and description of the setting and nice observation of the characters and objects ie, The locket.
    Then the story started to open up more and you added some nice bits of imagery and again that allowed you to open up with nice description.

    Towards the end was my favourite part of the piece and I thought it was dope the way you described the frame of the woman.
    Personally I thought it was your strong point in the piece, everything about the description here was spot on and well written.
    Ending was very good, a little twist with some humour added but still keeping well on the topic. This piece was very consistent and well written.

  4. #4
    Past. Present. Future Uben. Pwnd's Avatar
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    Re: Through the Keyhole.

    Upping.

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  5. #5
    Past. Present. Future Uben. Pwnd's Avatar
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    Re: Through the Keyhole.

    Upping for some feed.
    Last edited by Uben. Pwnd; December 14th, 2008 at 08:11 AM

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  6. #6
    Its Me Dekken's Avatar
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    Re: Through the Keyhole.

    this shit was nice, uve got a tight style dude, so wait, the dude watchs and dosent know that the girl knows?

    Her shadow amongst the wall she's the angel in perfect form,
    Thoughts begin to travel as I creep close to the window.
    As the rain begins to die I feel like my hearts been torn,

    thats my fav part, u described the shadow really well i thought,
    i like how u used thought TRAVEL, not many people use travel much,
    and about the rain, makes it feel like its pouring so hard that u dont know how much it hurts untill it settles...
    Nice drop dude, you were really desriptive, u used nice vocal, ur rhymes were on and flowd nice, this was a dope drop homie...

  7. #7
    Past. Present. Future Uben. Pwnd's Avatar
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    Re: Through the Keyhole.

    I'm going to up this thread due to the fact that there is only two comments of feed in here.
    Post links and I'll return the favour with feed.
    Thank you.

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  8. #8
    Needs no introduction Barcotic's Avatar
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    Re: Through the Keyhole.

    It's a dark night as the lightning sets the scene,
    Work for a living, rest my body just to do it again.
    Reaching for the life of the american dream,
    No matter the cost, it's worth every penny I spend.
    Stopping under the bus stop to grab a smoke from my pocket
    Take a seat on the bench and inhale my very death.
    Sitting forward noticing a gold heartshaped locket,
    This female so beautiful making my heart beat within my chest.
    It's trippy how similar somewun's writtens can be to me, lol.. cool shit..

    Her shadow amongst the wall she's the angel in perfect form,
    Thoughts begin to travel as I creep close to the window.
    As the rain begins to die I feel like my hearts been torn,
    Feeling as if I'm in the ocean of love but mearly a minow.
    Feelin it..

    Cool little ending too Uben, I liked this piece for the most part.. was cool how every OTHER line rhymed.. little different from what I'm used to.. overall it was a good read, keep at it bro....

    ....now you know what to do, lol....

  9. #9
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    Re: Through the Keyhole.

    If you read this over the beat of Atmosphere's "Like the Rest of Us." then you can piece of a very dope flow. I thought your storytelling in this piece was just flat out beautiful man. Somebody has picked up BTK or Smoka's writing style... wording was good, there were a line or two where you seemed to fuck up like putting 'the' twice in a row on that fourth line. But it's nothing huge of a flaw. Imagery, was a given with the storytell. You delivered some amazing descriptions and mindset for your readers with this piece my friend. Rhymescheme, for most, would have been a problem. I usually want to see a knarley rhymescheme when I read a topical piece.. but I was actually in the mood for a good Christmas story.. thanks for that my friend. For once, I have to say... you've been elevating a lot lately man. And I can't say I found anything worth mentioning that could bring this piece down... Nom'd.


    In return, just go hit up the TNL collab please.

  10. #10

    Re: Through the Keyhole.

    I love how no one (yet) has talked about the structure of your piece........ A B A B format is kind of tough to pull off sensibly..

    Deltron's Devise a Virus song is the first that comes to mind when i think of that scheme rocked well.

    this will be one of them as well,( text wise). ..

    good piece... nothing in particular because it all told a well story.. description of your 'mind eye' was very nice as well.. you 'painted a picture'...

    good ish son

  11. #11
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    Re: Through the Keyhole.

    damn bro this shit was pretty ill. when you go back and read it you can imagine seeing alot of the stuff you talked about....like early when you talked about a name carved into your skin, and thing like that it was pretty dope. but what i was really diggin was the part where you were talking about working and it all seeming like its for nothing and that was dope because that actually hits home a bit for me. props on this piece man, mos definitely nice.
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  12. #12
    Past. Present. Future Uben. Pwnd's Avatar
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    Re: Through the Keyhole.

    Thanks for the replies.
    I've left feed for all so far.

    Upping.

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  13. #13
    Kami no kotoba. Wordz AhGod.'s Avatar
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    Re: Through the Keyhole.

    ok, it was a cool read.. vocab and a bit more indepth emotions would have made a bit better. It felt kind of cliched when it got to girl part really.. The description before that was nice though, gave me a good image of the scenery and how your character felt at the time. Could have done something with the "stopping under the bus stop" line to not use the same word twice though. The flow was something new to me, some lines flowed nice while a few others where a bit stretched. I haven't ready any other topicals from you before but I heard you was good at it... this was a good piece but you could have made it more captivating in your introduction.

    7 out of 10
    カミノコトバ

  14. #14
    Past. Present. Future Uben. Pwnd's Avatar
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    Re: Through the Keyhole.

    Thank you for the comments.
    I appreciate the input.

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  15. #15
    Respect the shooter Orc's Avatar
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    Re: Through the Keyhole.

    lmao at the ending. dope. you've really elevated as far as wording and flow, i mean your flow wasn't amazing but it carried your piece well. the rhymescheme was nice man, sort of sent me into a dream state. almost melancholic, haha. yeh, the imagery in this was amazing. i could picture everything man. it was like a book or something. overall a dope drop. well deserved the nom. like the ocean/minnow line btw.
    LOL

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